I passed a woman at the fair who looked at Kelly, me, little Hyrum and my growing belly and commented “Are you ready for another one?” We laughed, and Kelly said “Ready or not…” But as I walked on and reflected on her comment I thought, “Are you ever really ready?” It’s interesting for me to look back at the different seasons of my life and see how much I’ve grown, how much I’ve changed. I think about the single young woman of four years ago. She was beautiful and talented, but self-conscious and somewhat insecure. She compared herself to other women like her and worried about how she measured up. She stressed and fretted over whether or not this or that guy was “The one” or why so-and-so hadn’t called or texted in the last 1/2 hour. She complained about never having enough time, and yet, from my perspective now, she had so much time! Time to work out and go on long runs. Time to shop by herself. Time to hang out with friends. Time to rehearse and write whenever and wherever and for however long.
Fast forward to March 2014. The long-awaited day had finally come. I had found “the one”! How did I know? I just knew, like everyone had always said I would. I had found the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and today we were to be married. Life couldn’t be better. And life was still pretty simple. Yeah, we had bills to pay and jobs to keep, but we were together. I was so relieved to be done with the dating scene…all the awkward first dates and break-ups. I loved the process of learning each other's strengths and weaknesses. I loved having someone there to share my dreams with and fell in love with his dreams, too. I still had struggles and insecurities, but I had him to walk through them with me.
And then one morning, my life changed forever. The two of us were going to be three. I was so excited & nervous at the same time. It was thrilling and scary to watch my body change to make room for this little life. Awe-inspiring to hear a heartbeat and then feel movement for the first time. To know that my body, this body that had never been good enough in my eyes, had been a part of creating a real, tiny human being. Unexpectedly, I found all of my insecurities and negative self-image melting away as I felt the weight and responsibility of being a mother. All of a sudden, all the things that I worried about before, all the things that seemed so big, didn’t matter anymore. This was so much more important than everything else.
I remember touching and holding Hyrum for the first time. He was so tiny, so fragile, so perfect. And he belonged to me. This was humbling and scary at the same time. I hoped that I could somehow teach him everything he needed to learn. I hoped that he could somehow forever see himself the way that I saw him in that moment: A valuable, beautiful, capable, extraordinary child of God. Having a child forever changed me. It gave me real purpose. It taught me things about myself- taught me to see myself and others as I now saw this tiny human being. I remember, after he was born, I felt as though I was walking on sacred ground. I didn’t want to watch movies or listen to music. I didn’t want any contention. I didn’t want anything to disturb or pollute this profoundly sacred experience that I’d just had, and this child that was so fresh out of Heaven.
Yes, touring is more difficult with children. No, I don’t have nearly as much time to myself. No, it’s not easy. But it is worth it. And I wouldn’t trade being a mother for anything in the world. And I’m so excited to add a little more light and love to our home this November!